Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
