I seem to have left my pride at pride
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
