I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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