I wish they made helmets for livers.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
