He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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