Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you never un-have a 4some
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
