all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
