New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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