I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
