Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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