i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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