It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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