He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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