If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
