Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
