no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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