My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
