dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
