If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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