he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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