I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Found the puke drawer
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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