I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
