I cannot find my penis.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
