she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I am one with the molecules
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
So here I am, sexting at work.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
