theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
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Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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