So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
