after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
