I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
