I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
