guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
