Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
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you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
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Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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