Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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