I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
