I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
