Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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