so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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