sarcasm needs its own font
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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