I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
