i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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