these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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