She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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