How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
