I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.