At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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