I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.