You're my little dorito
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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