so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
