I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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