but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
