she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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