i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
