So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I supernannyed him into submission
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
