So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
