Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just gift wrapped bread.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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