I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
