she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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