If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
